It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
