Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
