i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
