the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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