I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
