I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
