He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
