Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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