woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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