Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
