i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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