the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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