She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
