The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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