Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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