i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
