A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
