I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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