We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize