I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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