I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
