The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
