Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
