Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
