the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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