Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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