I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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