i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
