Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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