i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
