At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
