go do what you do best...puke behind churches
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
