Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
In America we eat man semen.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Randomize
