i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
