I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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