Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
