I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
