I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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