My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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