We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
