you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The uberlube is also flammable
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
