So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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