I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
