so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
