did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
