I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
