just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
