dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
