go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
