If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
