I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
