Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just forgot I was standing up.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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