No stitches, just platelets and will power
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
