I got chris browned last night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
