Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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