why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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