I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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