; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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