respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
