i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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