Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
